I am defeated

i feel v demoralised rite now.
ok, lets put it in this way. in football terms.
i'm abt to take a penalty kick. n this goal will decide the winner.
i'm always a consistant performer, so i'm pretty sure that the ball will get in.
i prepare myself in front of the goal.
n the ref blew his whis.
i moved back, n when i was abt to kick the ball, i saw the goalie going the wrong side.
it was an open goal......
i juz need to tap in the ball......
and i, and i.........
tripped and fall.
flat on my face.
ball nv went in.
n i lost the match.

v long story, but this is hw i feel nw.
i'm nt a loser.
i noe things happen sometimes, we cant control, n i certainly noe the the-fate-is-sealed-so-no-need-to-dwell-over-such-small-thing theory.
i noe, i really do.
but i'm angry w myself.
its so near.
yet i cant get it.
wasted all my efforts i've put in for 3 god damn yrs.
its a bitter pill to swallow.

n juz as i was writing these crap, things turned for the worse.
gana backstab by someone in the army.
n now, they r going to fine me.
500 bucks.
in my 2.5 yrs in sfi, i nv nv nv nv gt a fine.
n nw, i get it.
juz bcos.....
sigh.
nvm.
i'm nt in a good mood rite nw.
i felt that i've been jinxed.
i hate it when my record dun look good. (who in the right mind likes it anyway)
fuck.

maybe i'm nt that good either.
confidence level n motivational level zero now.
shut up n piss off.
i dun wan to tok rite nw.