Old liao

v tired.
old liao. cannot stay overnite outside any longer.
had a few drinks on sat, tiong until 3 plus, end up feel so lethargic until now.
sigh.
practised my piano over the weekend. i think i am going to go crazy soon.
cant remember the chords.
die le.
left a few mths to perfect it.
i dun wan to pai seh myself on the stage man.
mati.

i keep forgetting to buy my guitar strings.
someone better remind me man. or else cant play my guitar.
i wan to play more than words!!!!
muz buy my strings. fast.

Kar Kui's Death Anniversary

30th June 1993.
he died in japan. leaving behind his family, loved ones and Beyond.
15 years ltr, we still missed him.

喜欢Beyond是在1996年。
去年到了香港去拜祭他，因为我答应了自己，也答应了他，我考完最后一张卷子就去香港看他。
在坟场的山脚下，泪水已经开始流。慢慢地把上山，看见了他的坟墓，我接近了崩溃状。
我忍着，不要让自己失控。
把花放下，我开始崩溃。胡言乱语地说了一堆，哭得像个小孩。伤心死了。
我告诉他，是他的音乐把我从鬼门关拉回来。
我告诉他，如果没有他的音乐陪着我度过那段低潮，我想我也不会在这里。
我告诉他，是他的音乐给我无限的力量，对生命充满希望。
我告诉他，是他的音乐让我有勇气面对人生，是他的音乐让我觉得世界是充满爱的。
我答应他，我会好好地珍惜生命的每一刻，珍惜身边的所有人。

祭拜家驹后，我到了他们的“二楼后座”录音室。
很旧的一个地方。
到了那里，徘徊了很久。
one auntie from nxt door asked “你们找谁？”
我告诉她我们找到了。她笑了笑，然后说“有一个在里面，你可以按电铃。”
我并没有这么做。我只是在外面拍了照，然后就离开了。
不想吵他们，只是想看一看家驹曾经工作的地方。

然后走了很久，到了二手唱片行，买了他们很久以前的cd。
回到酒店，发现眼睛都哭肿了。

suddenly recalled all these cos someone mentioned dat Mayday is like Beyond then.
i definitely agree dat Mayday is one of the better bands around in mando pop now.
talented lead singer, 写了很多好歌，也启发了我们对人生的目标和希望。
but, sorry to say, they r no where like Beyond in those days.
every band noes dat Beyond is one of the 始祖of chinese bands.
in those days, ppl stereotype bands as chained smokers, alcoholics, rowdy gangsters w tattoos, heavy metal music........
nobody accepted them in the chinese world.
thats y they went japan.
thats y Kar Kui died.
Beyond changed the chinese world by changing ppl's concept abt bands.
everyone respects them.
Mayday sang "paradise" on their “离开地球表面”concert, as a respect to Beyond.
i was in tears when i heard dat. everyone turned n looked at me when they heard ah shin sang the song.

i will nv b who i am if not for Beyond's music.
音乐的力量。
even now, i still look for strength in their music.
now u noe y i can sing 海阔天空so well?
cos they r my strength.

Sell la sell la

wah lau.
weather damn hot. juz came bk from lunch, but i was drenched in my own sweat.
wat a pig.
bleh.

no mood to work.feel like resting.
sigh.

i had enuff of the stupid ronaldo issue.
yes, he is good.
yes, he is one of the BEST.
yes, he helped Man U to win the double.
SO WHAT.
nobody is irreplacable (spelling? too warm to go n find) la.
he wan to go ma go la.
ta ma de ya ya papaya.
limpeh c already oso buay song.
sell him la.
gt the 80 million pounds n buy bebatov and mercci(spelling again???) la.
knn.
i dun believe wout him Man U will collapse.
dat time DB oso. sell liao. then? rot in madrid.
RK resigned. everyone tot Man U die liao.
then?
won double, screwed chelsea (hahahahahaha).
sell la.
go la, assho**.

背影

满脑子都是奇怪的思想。
怪到没人能明白我到底在说什么。
剩下我在自己的世界里咆哮、挣扎。
很累。

我常常看着别人远去的背影。
不是因为我喜欢。
是因为习惯。
从十三岁开始，我就知道，原来很多人走路都不回头看。
不回头看你的背后有什么。
从十三岁开始，我就知道，原来看着别人的背影是那么孤单的。
因为他不知道你在看着他。
因为，他不知道你的存在。

我承认，在某种程度上，我是享受寂寞的。
所以，看着别人离去的背影变成了我的一种习惯。一直到现在。
十年前的雨季，变成了我生命的一个转折。
在那个雨季，看着离去的背影是我唯一可以做的事情。
从那天开始，我学会了站在别人的身后。
从那天开始，我知道了我唯一的角色，就是做别人的影子。
从那天开始，我能做的，就是在远处看着别人的背影，等待着奇迹出现。

等着有一天，她突然记得我，回头看我一眼。

很遗憾的，世界上是没有奇迹的。
而我，就自顾自地沉溺在自己的世界里。
一个别人不了解的世界。
在这个世界里，没有希望，没有温暖，没有光，没有空气。
沉溺 = 越陷越深 + 不能自救

就这样，过了十年。

到了现在，我还是喜欢看着别人离去的背影。
但是，我已经不寂寞了。
看着别人的背影，是因为，不想让别人看着我的背影离去。
因为我知道，那是很孤独的。
我不会让你有这种感觉。
我不要让你觉得孤独。

所以，我总是让你先走。
就让我享受这一刻只属于我的寂寞吧。
至少我知道，你是知道我的存在的。

对吗？

My weekends

This is a summary of my last 2 weekends.
went picnic w baby at botanical gardens on the 14th.
nxt time limpeh dun wan to take merc cab liao.
worse than initial D.
by the time baby n i reached, we were on the verge of puking. walked to our destination like 2 drunkards.
sibeh hin (hokkien).

baby trying to pose nice nice.

I've cooked some food for our picnic. my proud dish, prawn n bacon aglio olio.

told u i was v proud of it (until i cooked such a big portion)

this pix says it all. it was too soft. erm, i change frying pan ma....so i duno w it works ma. eh, nt excuse hor. tmd, i am so going to buy a new frying pan. hmph.

everything went wrong that day. i realised dat i ran out of L&P sauce, so i substituted it w vinegar. ya la ya la. abit more sour oni ma...^#!$xxx#$@

the fake red wine. i am banned from alcohol, rem?

"like dat u still wan me to eat???"

bery skepitical.

"heng ah, this still nice" (of cos la, this one is from PxxL FRESH. mei li mao)

these are some pix i took lying down on the grass. nt bad.

as u can see, it was NOT sunny dat day. but she still insisted to SHOW her sunglasses. muz fully utilise she say. end up ask me "eh, y so dark ah?" duh.

i accidently stained my t shirt w some mud thingy. baby offered to clean it for me.

was all smiley at 1st. trying to show she's "贤淑".

patience ran out. started to nag liao.

mission accomplished!

baby enjoyed the picnic (wout her sunglasses.hahaha)

guess wat this is.

baby n i went to the jap rest (tampopo) at liang court at fri for ramen.

silver cod w teriyaki sauce

my warm sake.



baby's kyushu original ramen

my pork shabu shabu ramen. very yummy. the soup base was great. u can finish every drop of the soup. yum.

baby was trying to steal my ramen. look at the sneaky face.

baby's tamago in her ramen. this was the reason y she ordered that ramen.

went ktv w 3 little gals on sat.
oni one word to describe.
CHAOTIC.

very comfi, machiam her own hse. look at the tissue on the left. sigh, litter bug.

dun blame me for the lack of pix.

i was busy singing, forgot to take photo.hahahaha

but it was fun. these gals r nuts abt mayday.

hahahaha.

我该往哪里去

我找不到属于我的世界。
我该往哪里去？
我不晓得。

好冷。
没有温暖。

我的寂寞

周围的空气弥漫着不一样的气味。
走到哪里，都只能闻到熟悉的味道。
你爱吃的面包、你爱擦的香水、你喜欢的下雨的味道......
不知道是不是因为鼻子和眼睛的距离太近，影响了眼睛的运作，我的视线开始模糊。大脑虽然收集不到任何影像，但是，脑海里却不断浮现着不同的画面。
都是有你的画面。
原来，你已经渗进了我的记忆，完全控制了我的思绪。
我没有反击的能力，只好默默地让你占据我的理性，沉溺在一个不存在的虚拟世界里。

到最后，你只留下一大堆记忆。
和足以淹没整个城市的寂寞而已。

Prisoner of Love

Love.
Liberation.
Agony.
Solitude.
Contradiction.

你属于哪一类？

你害怕孤独吗？

在这充满个体户的世界里，我是孤独的。
常在远方瞭望，看着这冰冷的世界，等待属于我的一丝温暖。
好冷。

你愿意施舍吗？
还是，我没权选择？

Creep

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so very special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so very special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

She's running out the door
She's running out
She run run run run...run...
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so very special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

What is happening?

i stupidly walked to raffles mrt stn after work when chinatown stn is nearer and faster.
i duno why.
stupid.
routine tasks i do every morning kena cocked up this morning.
wtf is happening to me???
i stood in front of the mirror, n i stared at my reflection.
then i felt stupid.

wat is happening?
i duno man.
i think i am going mad pretty soon.

swam 20 laps last nite.
took abt 40 mins
idiot.
so slow.
blah.

suddenly i realised, i am starting to c alot of things.
clearly.
maybe thats y i am so, erm, out of sorts?
i duno.

wat the hell is happening to me?
this post serves no purpose at all.
shit.

如果你爱我
你会来找我
你会知道我
快不能活

如果你爱我
你会来救我
空气很稀薄
因为寂寞

讨厌世界

最近视线很模糊。
该换眼镜了。
还是，我选择看不清楚？

昨天六点下班，到Bugis学琴，结果六点半就到了。
忘了没有宝贝陪我，这么早去也不知道要干嘛。
结果，独自呆呆地坐在车站，发呆了半个小时。
坐着坐着，视线开始模糊。
感觉到眼泪在眼里打转。
怎么会这样？
最近特别脆弱。
很讨厌这样的自己。

回到家里，看了新的日剧 "Last Friends"。
很灰暗的故事。
视线又开始模糊了。

你会原谅一个殴打自己的爱人吗？
你会默默地为一个人永远地付出吗？就算知道她永远不属于你，依然故我吗？
你会让你的老婆跟一个男人在家独处，却不吭声吗？
你常常被人白眼、忽略吗？
你，在逃避吗？

为什么做人要看得那么清楚？
看到的，未必是自己想要的。
我不想看。
不看，可以吗？

我们能像小孩一样，无忧无虑，开开心心吗？
讨厌敷衍、讨厌讽刺、讨厌不能做错事......
讨厌不能做自己。

这样活着，有意义吗？

我想喝杯酒，可以吗？
不行，因为这是不对的。
因为你已经过了那个可以埋怨世界，充满悲愤和反叛的年龄。
成熟一点，好吗？

他妈的。
还是不能做自己。

好累

“你现在才知道他很自私吗？”
这句话又再一次的刺伤我。
但是，我已经不想解释了。
如果在你们眼里的我是这样的，那么就这样吧。

我已经很累了。